In Love, In Awe

I Stand Alone at a Crossroads

2012-01-21T14:17:00.000-08:00

I stand alone at a crossroads

At a place between desperation and undeniable truth

At a place between hesitation and irrevocable action

At a place between intimidation and fearless awareness

Between intimidation and fearless awareness

Where I may be broken and battered

Where I may be splintered and torn

Where I may be rendered without hope

Rendered without hope

Where light overwhelms darkness

But darkness overwhelms me

Suspended in a wind of undisputed doubt

In a wind of undisputed doubt

Floating aimlessly, without direction

Without purpose or promise

A thin existence, composed by weeping

Composed by weeping

Composed by a flesh crying out for rescue

Crying out from the depths of my being

A melody of mourning

Of a gnawing ache that erodes a soul

To bits, to bits, and back again

Back again to hope, and back again to bits

Until an empty shell remains

A lifeless, worn rag

Doused for the final measure

For the final measure

Yet told or untold, sung or unsung

One truth remains

One melody endures the test of time

I stand with Him at a crossroads

2011-11-20T17:35:00.000-08:00

I've gotta say, learning to rock the single life takes time. And courage. It's not a once-and-done deal. I love my life and I love my independence, and I listen when people tell me to "enjoy being single while it lasts." But that doesn't mean that loneliness isn't a real emotion, or that cooking for one doesn't ever get old. I love to build a fire in the fireplace, light some candles, and cuddle up on the couch with a good movie. But let's be real... that experience is far more romantic when another person is involved. The temptation to defy patience and act without thinking first is always there. It would be so easy to walk up to some random, cute guy and "accidentally" drop my number in front of him. Or to suggest to one of my man friends that we're both alone, so why not give it a shot? It would be so easy.

And it's in these moments that I remind myself that this is not God's best for me. Would it be sinful? No. Dating with boundaries isn't wrong. Would it be satisfying? Heck yes it would. But only for a moment. And then reality would set in, and it would end, and I would remember that the reason things didn't work out was because I took the writing of my story into my own hands. God allows us to make choices, of course, but I want to consider His ideal for me with every choice that I make. I want my desired destiny for myself to line up with His desired destiny for me.

This is a daily reminder. A daily process. And it hurts just as often as it doesn't. But no matter how lonely this life gets, I will choose to continue on this path of singleness until God reveals another plan for me. In the meantime, I pray that this will be a time of returning to my first love and learning to be satisfied in God's peace.

2011-10-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

I love my apartment. I love living on my own and discovering new levels of independence. I love spending time in my kitchen. I love cooking & baking with candles lit, a cup of hot tea, and some Josh Groban playing in the background. I love lounging on my couch with a blanket and a good book. I love the completely satisfied feeling that I get from going on a cleaning spree and scrubbing everything down. I love learning new things that will prepare me for wifehood & mommyhood. Most of all, I love my Papa God, whose grace is more than enough.

A Petition To Live in Him

2011-08-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

Man oh man, has it been a while! While I doubt that anyone will see this blog post, I would still like to send my thoughts out into the atmosphere. I honestly couldn't sum up the past year in mere words, but the story of God's faithfulness is too good to leave untold.

Time and time and time again, God has heard my prayers... those spoken and unspoken... and has come to my rescue. This past year, however, has somehow made that truth even more evident than ever. For a time, I felt lost to myself. I felt as if I had shattered into a million pieces that God alone could put back into place. He didn't do it quickly... He maintained His own timeline. But His is the only timeline that I want to live by. I want so desperately to walk in the path that He has for me. My Papa has brought me through times of heartbreak and utter loneliness and into the greatest freedom that I have ever known. In the midst of this process, I felt that God was petitioning me to press further into the destiny that He has for me and lose myself in Him. And this is His petition...

Will You...

Lay down your life
Break down your pride
Tear down your walls
& let the King of Glory in

Hold nothing back
Become more undignified
Give Him the pen to your story
& the key to your heart

Forgive the unforgivable
Love the unlovable
Release those who have wronged you
& release yourself for those you have wronged

Allow Him to guide your steps
To direct your path
To steady your pace
& to draw your eyes to the things unseen

Trust Him to break your chains
Free you from fear
Love you beyond measure
& call you into your God-given destiny...

Will You?

Sonnet 116

2010-04-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

I want to share with you part of my absolute favorite poem. I heard these lines when I was little and had no idea who wrote them or what they meant, but I always loved them. They hold a special place in my heart.

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

--William Shakespeare

Healing

2010-03-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

For me, these past few months have been a time to heal. Sometimes the process was intense & painful... other times God was just working in me without my noticing. I've discovered that there are so many different ways in which Jesus can bring healing to our hearts when we let Him. I'm also finally coming to realize how VERY different the process is for each individual. So, here are a few of the ways that God has been moving in my life:

I chopped my hair. Now before you stop to wonder how that is in any way related, allow me to explain. :P I've always been extremely attached to my hair, so hacking away at large portions of it used to freak me out big time. But a few weeks ago, I sat down in the chair at the salon, took a deep breath, and asked Chris to just chop it off. I really felt like it was time. Some people might look at that and see a good old-fashioned haircut... but for me, it was like getting rid of all the junk that didn't need to be there anymore. It had it's place for a time, but that time had passed. What I didn't realize was that I NEEDED to clean out that space in my heart to make room for all of the new stuff God was bringing in! I haven't missed my hair once; not even for a minute. And so, I'm believing for the same results with the other things that no longer need to be a part of me!

Some things, however, have become a huge part of me! While some old friendships were fading out, God was bringing new ones into my life that completely fit for this season. And I can tell you honestly... God really does have a sense of humor. Just as I was finding total contentment in being single, my Papa decided to mix things up a bit. I met Drew a little over a year ago when we had majorly confused ideas about each other, he was in a relationship with someone else, and I just wanted to be single for six more years... but then, there's that beautiful sense of humor! God was doing a huge work in Drew's life when we met and somehow He used me to pour into him, even when I had no experience to speak of. In the very very shortened version of this story, he became my very best friend (outside of Jesus, of course) and now we're starting a new adventure together! We've been dating for almost two months now & while it's still weird to me most of the time, I'm enjoying every minute of it! Drew is absolutely amazing, from his gentleness to his undeniable faith, & I thank God for him all the time!

The saying "out with the old, in with the new" would definitely describe my life right now. Once I cleared out the junk, God revealed to me a whole new side of myself! For a while I was too caught up in who I used to be to see who I was supposed to become. But finally seeing that... gaining that vision, no matter how small, of where God wanted to take me healed my heart in some big ways. Yes, things are changing. But gracious, are they ever worth it!

Da Babies!

2010-02-16T00:21:00.000-08:00

I just love being an aunt! There is really only one downside for me-- it makes me want to have kids RIGHT NOW. I just love kids. It doesn't matter what age. Every year is completely different, and that's why I love watching children grow up so much. Although I have to admit, years 2-4 are my absolute favorites. Lots of moms with kids this age have seriously questioned my sanity when I've told them how much I love that stage of life. And maybe I'll feel differently when it's my own kids, but I sure hope not! I can't wait to have a bunch of 'em screaming and throwing food and playing in poop and making me crazy every single day. Until then, I'll just keep borrowing some from other people.

Anyway, I finally got to hold this sweet baby girl (Alivia Grace) and she is so stinking precious. Every time I look at her, I think about her growing up and developing her own totally unique personality. I love to think about her walking out the destiny God's already placed on her life, & the gifts He's already put in her.

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye...

2010-01-27T23:33:00.000-08:00

Does anybody else have a hard time letting go? I'm finding that when I lose someone I love, in any capacity, I just can't seem to say goodbye and move on. The past few months have been really, really hard. I cry ALL the time. I cry in the shower, during commercials, while listening to happy upbeat music, every time I'm praying or worshiping, & for a while, I cried myself to sleep every single night. Now don't get me wrong, I know this isn't good or healthy; in fact I hate it. But I have prayed my guts out for peace and perseverance, and now I have to keep seeking God and believing that He will rescue me again. Just like He always does.

In December, I lost a very close friend of about 12 years. After knowing him so well for so long, he had naturally gained my trust entirely. I talked to him about anything and everything, because that was the kind of relationship we had always had. His parents were like second parents to me, & his friends were my friends. But at some point something shifted without my noticing it, & before anything could be salvaged, the damage was done. Extremely long story short: I trusted him with my heart, he broke it, & many relationships were hurt in the process.

I wish I could say that the only reason I'm hurting is because he betrayed my trust, but that wouldn't be accurate. The truth is that when I realized I couldn't trust him of all people, I began to question the other close relationships in my life. I became distrusting... and that is a terrible place to be. Because the fact of the matter is this (and I thank God for this revelation): Yes, he played me. And yes, that majorly sucks. But one person committing one wrong against me cannot dictate how I relate to everyone else in my life. That isn't fair to the genuinely loving people who actually do care about me.

Some may not believe this, but I think that everybody grieves differently and in their own timing. So I'm going to grieve. I'm going to cry a LOT and beg God to heal my heart. I honestly, truly miss my friend, and the memories we have together will always hold a special place in my heart. But life doesn't stop because of pain, and while time may be a great healer, nothing crashes a pity party like some hardcore lovin' on people. And that is what I intend to do... live and love exuberantly.

Goodnight, universe. Thanks for listening.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things...

2010-01-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I absolutely love reading friends' blogs and finding out about their favorite things. Hair care products, lotions, brands... it's just so much fun! You not only get to know the person better, but you also have some valuable information on hand the next time you think to yourself, "Oh my word, this product is doing nothing for me! I wonder what everyone else uses...". And so, I'm going to write about a few of my absolute favorites in the hope that someone, somewhere really needs the completely random information I'm about to provide :P Here goes:

John Frieda Collection: Frizz-Ease "Clearly Defined Gel" & "Take Charge Mousse" are the only products that work on my unmanageable curly hair without leaving it in a tangled knot the next morning. There are few products out there that actually hold my curl, and these are a couple of them. They cost about 5 dollars a bottle, shockingly less than some of the salon versions of the same thing. But here's my favorite part: they smell AMAZING. After washing your hair and feeling fresh, the last thing you want to do is rub a handful of nasty smelling mousse in. Smell is where it's at.

Satin Care Shave Gel: "Dry Skin" is the only shave gel I've tried so far that actually does help with dry skin. Of course there is probably a much more expensive solution out there, but for 2 bucks, I'm sticking with this. It smells fantastic and goes a long way. Definitely a keeper.

Dove Go Fresh: So far I've only tried the body wash and deodorant, but it only took about two uses for me to fall in love. The body wash is gentle but really softens even dry skin. I've never been a big fan of generic fruity smells outside of Bath & Body Works, so I went for the "cucumber & green tea" scent. It smells natural but it's still cool and refreshing.

Bath & Body Works: I love just about everything they make, from body spray to anti-bacterial hand gel. At any given point in time, there will be something from B&B Works in my purse since I use this stuff constantly. A few of my favorite scents would have to be sweet pea, pink grapefruit, rainkissed leaves, pearberry, and japanese cherry blossom. Their anti-bacterial lotions are perfect for winter when constant washing is drying out your hands, and their Signature Collection perfumes don't fade out like others I've used. I won't pay full price for most of their products, but after Christmas when the giant sales roll around, I stock up on enough for the whole year (and it keeps surprisingly well).

Cetaphil Moisturizing Cream: This stuff is great for hardcore dry skin like mine. I've tried more lotions than I can count over the years and this is probably the best so far. Unlike most of the other serious moisturizers I've tried, this lotion isn't greasy, and it doesn't sting or stink. I put it on at night before bed and that is usually enough to keep my hands soft throughout the next day. The small containers are pretty expensive, but I buy the tub which saves a bunch of money and lasts forever.

So there you have it. I know that for me, finding something affordable that actually works well is a great feeling. If you have a favorite something, comment and share the love!

El Fin

2010-01-21T23:36:00.000-08:00

I can finally say it now.... it's OVER! I just finished one of the craziest semesters of my entire school career. I was behind for months; so far behind, in fact, that there was a very good chance of me not being able to catch up in time. And an even better chance of me failing Precalc for this semester, making graduation unlikely. BUT Jesus is faithful! I finished all of my work before the deadline, PASSED Precalc with a 70%, and somehow managed to pull off a 95% or above in the rest of my classes. So, now I am finally able to take one giant sigh of relief before I begin the process all over again in the new semester... which starts tomorrow. Sigh.

And now I absolutely must write about my favorite piece of news of late! I got a call from my favorite Amanda on January 5th (at 2:30 am) telling me that my sister (not by blood, just by love) was in labor. So my other sister (by blood... and love) got ready to help with the delivery, I packed a bag to spend the next day with my favorite nephews, & we headed out! A little before 6 am on the 6th, Alivia Grace Parks decided to join us and we were all very glad to welcome her :) 7.58 pounds, 19 inches long. She spent almost two weeks in the NICU, but she is finally home with her happy family. I haven't gotten to see her yet, but I can't wait! I just love these people!

P.S.- I had to steal these photos from Kristen but hopefully I will have some new ones soon!

2O1O BABY!

2009-12-31T23:19:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everybody!! I can't believe it's already 2010... this is the year I've been waiting for! I will be graduating, getting my first car, leaving for college (or going wherever else God leads me), and experiencing so many new beginnings. I'm way too excited & ready for all of it, but a little nervous too. This past year had a lot of ups and downs; some amazing times and some really hard, emotional ones. But I may have learned more about myself in that one year than in all of the previous years put together. I didn't know it was possible to fall deeper in love with Jesus, but I did, and I enjoyed every moment of it. I had to throw away some of my old ideas about life and re-learn some valuable life lessons. And while I had to say goodbye to a couple of old friends that I cared for very much, I was also blessed beyond reason with some incredible new friendships that I never even expected. I can honestly say that I have no idea what the future holds or where God will take me in this upcoming season, but I'm more than ready for some hardcore, head-spinning change. Bring it on! :)

Lost & Found

2009-11-21T19:52:00.000-08:00

Lately, my world has been turned upside down and inside out. I suppose that as a child I thought that I would come through one intense, faith-testing valley that would change my life, & from that point on I would know who I was and where I was going. But just recently I've come to realize that my life is filled with seasons of losing myself, followed by beautiful seasons of finding myself again. It seems that each time I get comfortable with where God has me and who I am, something shifts and I find myself completely at a loss again; not really sure where I'm going... or even what I need to do to get there. I'm not gonna lie, "lost" is an intimidating emotion, but I know that I know that I'm not going it alone. Most of my prayers are short & sweet... "Jesussss, I'm soo terrible at this life thing!" But even when I feel like I've been unsuccessful in every area of my life, including my relationship with Him, He simply wraps His arms around me and whispers in my ear, "It's ok love, I've got you." And while that may not seem like much to some people, I've come to realize that that voice, that whisper, is what carries me through. I'm constantly looking for a flashing neon sign to guide me into where I need to be, but when I come into a knowing that His voice IS all I will ever need, I can rest. I look forward to the day when I can so rest in Him that I don't struggle with myself for months looking for answers; when all I will need is to hear those words and know that He's got me, period. Jesus, help me find that place.

Charity: Water

2009-10-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

"Right now, 1.1 billion people on the planet don't have access to safe, clean drinking water. That's one in six of us."

Did you know that?

"Charity: Water is a non profit organization bringing clean, safe drinking water to people in developing nations. We give 100% of the money raised to direct project costs, funding sustainable clean water solutions in areas of greatest need. Just $20 can give one person in a developing nation clean water for 20 years." <----{That's like 4 trips to Starbucks.}

"Unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation cause 80% of all sickness and disease, and kill more people every year than all forms of violence, including war. Many people in the developing world, usually women and children, walk more than three hours every day to fetch water that is likely to make them sick. Those hours are crucial, preventing many from working or attending school. Additionally, collecting water puts them at greater risk of sexual harassment and assault. Children are especially vulnerable to the consequences of unsafe water. Of the 42,000 deaths that occur every week from unsafe water and a lack of basic sanitation, 90% are children under 5 years old."

"Drilling a well can cost from $4,000 - $ 12,000 and many living on less than $1 a day can not afford one in their community, even if the money is combined. With the help of exemplary organizations on the ground, we can drill wells and provide people with this basic, essential need. Charity: Water partners with local organizations in each country where we work, choosing the partners based on expertise and the ability to impact real, sustainable change in the communities they benefit."

http://www.charitywater.org/

This Speaks To Me :P But Seriously....

2009-06-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is what it looks like. One of those jobs I thank God I don't have to do. And as funny (and downright disgusting) as this picture is, it got me thinking. When I am asked to walk out the hardest parts of my destiny (which may or may not include sticking my head up an elephant's butt), will I be able to do it with a joyful & unselfish heart? I want to more than anything, so I need to work out any ungratefulness in my heart now. This way when the truly hard times come, I won't have to think twice about thanking my God for each breath.

Because There's Something More

2009-06-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of people ask me why I don't date over the years. Some common misconceptions: 1) I'm a lesbian, 2) I have the most protective parents ever, or 3) I'm super naive. When I rule these out for people, they simply don't understand it. Both teenagers and adults usually give me the same response when I tell them that I'm waiting for the right guy: "Why would you want to do that??"

First, let me clear something up. I believe that there is NOTHING wrong with dating as long as you are obeying God and setting boundaries. But as in every other aspect of life, each person is called to a unique level of purity. One isn't better or more "Christian-like" than the other, it's all about obeying God's call on your life. When I was 13, God asked me if I was willing to hand my entire love story, from start to finish, over to Him. The answer was 100% yes. And that's not to say that there haven't been incredibly hard times throughout these years, (and let's be honest here) even some times when I fully wanted to get in a time machine and change my answer. But because God asked me to do this for Him, there is GRACE.

For me, waiting doesn't just mean abstinence. It means holding out for that one man who will seek after God with everything that is in him and then make me his #2 forever. It doesn't mean waiting around for life to start, not enjoying the beauty of life all around me right now. It simply means praying into the destiny that God has laid before me & hiding my heart in Him.

Will I make mistakes? Heck yes. But purity isn't leading a flawless life. It's living every day to catch a glimpse of Jesus' eyes.

My Portfolio

2009-05-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

These are some of my favorite pictures from the past few years. One of my school assignments is to create a web gallery of my photos, so here it is!

In His Timing

2009-04-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

Throughout most of my life, I have noticed God placing specific themes on each season that I walk through. When I was younger, He would tell me what the purpose of the most recent season had been so that I could identify how He was working even when I didn't realize it. But lately, He has been letting me know the theme of the upcoming season so that I can prepare my heart and take the opportunities that He provides for me. I believe that this current season is labeled "In His Timing." Researching colleges, deciding on a grad project, & desperately trying to figure out finances for tuition is incredibly hard without direction. I'm waiting for my giant, flashing neon sign telling me exactly where I need to go & exactly when I need to get there. This place of not knowing can be really scary, but it teaches trust in a whole new way. I can't move forward without Him- I don't know where to go! But I think that {slowly} I am becoming more patient in waiting for answers & I am learning how to rest in the fact that His timing isn't mine and it never will be.
The amazing thing is that as I'm waiting for direction in one area of my life, He is teaching me how to trust by bringing completion to others. Growing up, I had a best friend who was like a sister to me. Our families were extremely close and we helped each other through some terrible times. However, when we reached middle school she suddenly became popular, moved on to a new group of friends, and left me in the dust. After trusting her so implicitly, it took me years to finally let go of my anger and forgive her. Little did I know that had we remained friends, I would probably not be walking with Jesus right now. I was thrown deeper into God and she was ripped away from Him.
Last night as I was sitting at my computer, I suddenly had an urge to send her a message. I told God that I had absolutely nothing to say to her, so He told me to put my hands on the keyboard and let Him give her the message. I was able to let her know that she has been on my heart for a long time, that I still care about her, and that nothing can change Jesus' love for her. I was expecting no response. To my surprise, just a few minutes later, she responded saying how much my message meant to her, how thankful she was, and how much she needs change in her life. I was completely astounded, as I had planned on never opening communication lines again. After nearly 6 years of dealing with bitterness towards her, I was totally freed. His timing is so much different than mine & I can't understand it for anything, but I love to see things come to completion in my walk with Him.

Just for fun :D

2009-03-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

10 Things I Have Been Known to Do In My Sleep:

Kick wildly & flail my arms
Yell my sister's name
Walk around the house
Get a drink of water
Grind my teeth (loudly)
Pull out my earrings
Rearrange my room (sometimes I don't find things for months)
Bump into the headboard and wake up bruised
Roll off the bed and onto the floor
Have a conversation with someone that I have no memory of in the morning

Strangely enough, I can actually wake up feeling quite rested. I think it's pretty funny, but my sister did NOT enjoy sharing a room with me for several years.

Dreams

2009-02-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

Just for Beautiful Grace!

Over the years, I have tried to get into the habit of recording my dreams... without much luck. Even so, I have managed to write down the dreams that have had the greatest impact on me. One dream in particular had a huge impact on my relationship with God & my ability to deal with fear. I still don't understand most of the symbolism in my dream, but it was a gift from God all the same!

Night of October 23, 2004:

I was camping with two friends (a girl and two boys) in a desert-like area that was surrounded by boulders. We had just set up camp when one of the boys walked over to me and said, "Don't be upset, but the color is all gone." I couldn't understand why, but I was really upset as I looked around and saw nothing but gray landscape. As I was discussing the problem with my friend (the girl), I lay down in a hammock that was connected to some boulders. My feet were resting on the boulders when my friend pointed toward them and said, "Look, the color is on the inside." All of a sudden, my three friends were gone and I was completely alone with a rattle snake (who was resting a few inches from my legs, it's skin full of vibrant colors). I was afraid that I would be bitten if I moved my foot, so I remained perfectly still for what seemed like an eternity. The snake acted uninterested and nonchalant, so I decided to slowly inch my foot away from him. The very second I moved, his neck extended and his teeth latched onto my Achilles tendon. I tried desperately to pull away, but the snake would not let me go. I was terrified that I was about to die when I heard an audible voice coming from behind me. Even in my agony I knew that God was talking to me. In a strong, compassionate tone He said, "Please wait for the Lord and call on me." I obeyed, closed my eyes, and an incredible calm came over my entire being. I could still feel the teeth clenched in my skin, but everything seemed distant. As I lay with my eyes closed, I saw a beautiful light coming towards me, growing bigger and brighter. When the light became blinding, I drifted out of my sleep. The presence of God was so strong in my room that I could barely move & hours into my day, I could still feel the pain of the snake's teeth in my skin.

Huswifery

2009-02-20T20:47:00.000-08:00

I gotta be honest, I have never been a big fan of poetry. In fact, in all my years of reading poetry for English classes, I have only read three poems that I really enjoyed. But this year part of my course involved looking back to some Puritan poetry. It opened my eyes to a different kind of art & I discovered how much I could relate to poetry that was written for my own True Love. One particular poet grabbed my attention and I was intrigued at his passionate, pure love of God. Even though I don't understand all of the phrasing or lingo of the time period, this poem stirs something inside of me (and I like that!). So, here it is:

Huswifery by Edward Taylor

Make me, O Lord, Thy spinning wheel complete.
Thy holy word my distaff make for me.
Make mine affections Thy swift flyers neat
And make my soul Thy holy spoole to be.
My conversation make to be Thy reel
And reel the yarn thereon spun of Thy wheel.

Make me Thy loom then, knit therein this twine:
And make Thy holy spirit, Lord, wind quills:
Then weave the web Thyself. The yarn is fine.
Thine ordinances make my fulling mills.
Then dye the same in heavenly colors of choice.
All pinked with varnished flowers of paradise.

Then clothe therewith mine understanding, will,
Affections, judgment, conscience, memory
My words, and actions, that their shine may fill
My ways with glory and Thee glorify.
Then mine apparel shall display before Ye
That I am clothed in holy robes for glory.

Seeing His Hands

2009-02-19T22:43:00.000-08:00

I was having trouble falling asleep (what else is new??), so I decided to finally create my own blog! I am usually up late at night, thinking about God or friends or school; anything that is weighing on my mind. Maybe now I can get my thoughts out and get some sleep :D

This past year has been a whirlwind for me in many ways, but especially in my relationship with God. He has been taking me to a new level in Him and I am completely stunned. I used to be so envious when I would see my friends having these incredible "power encounters" with God, while He always seemed to speak to me in whispers. I wanted to be blasted, but He was quietly romancing me. My mind is finally beginning to wrap around the idea that God is never going to fit into my box, haha. And so, I am learning day by day to appreciate the way He speaks to me, and to stop looking at the encounters of those around me. Each time Jesus romances me, I fall more deeply in love with Him than I can comprehend, and I can not wait for more.

A couple of months ago, I was lying in bed talking to Jesus when He gave me the most precious gift I could ever imagine:

I was suddenly unaware of my surroundings and, with my eyes closed, I saw two hands in front of me. Jesus was holding out His hands to me, waiting for me to touch them. And as I ran my fingers over His scars, I was overcome with so many different emotions. The most incredible peace came over me as I touched the holes in His hands, trying to grasp an understanding of what He did for me. He touched my face and ran His palm along my cheek, allowing me to feel His scars on my skin. I stayed in that place for the longest time; I didn't want to let go. It was the most beautiful and fulfilling moment I have ever spent with Jesus, and I can not be satisfied until I have more.

When I was about four years old (I have no memory of this, but I was later told stories), I walked up to my parents and said, "I have to go deep into the scar to find my life." Up until a few months ago, I had no idea what that statement meant, and for years I desperately tried to figure it out. Seeing His hands answered that cry in my heart and changed my life forever. And I think I am finally beginning to find my life...